Coming Full Circle-The Day I Crossed the River

It’s no secret that it's hard to find the silver lining while going through traumatic losses and events. Most of the time, we’re just looking for any thread of reasoning that might be woven throughout the timeline. We sit and think for hours, days, months, replaying events to see if maybe we missed something and hoping to decode life’s paradoxical workings. It's often a grand moment of healing when someone can look back on the journey they’ve taken and witness the personal growth that is often overlooked while going through the storms themselves. I like to think of them as treasured "peeks" inside of God’s playbook-a generous glance to see where you were and how you overcame your obstacle.

These are full circle moments. They are moments where you realize how and why certain events in your life happened the way that they did. It's life's powerful reassurance that the leap of faith you made created a domino effect towards the future. These can be hard to see at first because fear of the unknown can often overshadow most other emotions. When there’s not an instant 'aha' moment, we tend to sit and ruminate over whether the right decision was made or not. There can also be those moments where there's little hope that we’ll ever understand why things happened. That dark clouded voice seems to taunt you towards the idea that surely no good can come from such a horrible event that left you feeling broken, isolated, abandoned, or like you’re starting over from scratch, right?

This is something that we see on a regular basis with the families that we serve as well as in our own storylines. Widows, partners, children, and friends often come to us wondering why this had to happen, what is the reasoning? As funeral directors, we wish that we could answer their questions, and even our own, but these full circle moments are ones that they must experience themselves. We may never get the straightforward answer to our impossible questions, but we might just get something better. We might just get a glimpse into the maker's playbook and be reminded to treasure the life we've been given and the strength that resides within.

Around 10 years ago, I was living in Jackson, Mississippi. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with my life. Like most people in their early 20’s, my philosophy was that I was here for a good time, not a long time. This left me incredibly naïve and unaware of the true struggles of life that were about to begin. Late one March night, I needed a mental break from writing a school paper that was due the next day, so I took a quick trip to pick up dog food and some other items. After arriving back up to my apartment, I gathered the dog food from the back seat of my car. When I turned around, two young guys were running towards me from the shadows. In my naïvety, I thought they were coming to help me or that they might need help themselves. It wasn’t until they were right up on me that I noticed the gun in one of their hands.

Before I could react, they pushed me into the backseat of my car, and our journey began. The main mission was to drive to any ATM that they could find in order to withdraw as much money as possible. While laying down in the backseat (so no one could see me), I remember turning my head slightly to see if I could spot any indications of where we were. Eventually, I noticed the recognizable streetlight bulbs that were zipping by and knew we were on the bridge crossing over the Pearl River. Jackson was known for its high crime rate and, upon moving to the area, I was often told tales about the Pearl River being the place that bodies were thrown into after crimes had been committed. So, as I saw the lights, it felt as though the runaway was being lit, and I knew that this was where my journey would probably end.

Towards the end of the 3-4 hour joyride, I felt an enormous weight lifted from me as I slowly came to terms with the fact that this would more than likely be my last night on earth. While going through the different stages of accepting my fate, a piece of my heart broke for the people I’d never get to see again, the memories I’d never get to make, and the dreams that I’d never get to come true. I said goodbye to all of these things, one by one. Just as tears began to form, it felt as though spiritual arms wrapped themselves around me and brought a sense of peace. I closed my eyes as the car stopped. I was ready to die.

I was not ready for them to open the car door, kick me out into the middle of the road, and take off, but thankfully, that is what they did. There really are no words to describe the feeling of standing in the street and seeing both paths laid out in front of you in such a drastic divide. I watched as the car drove away on a path that should have been my ending. Then, turning around to see the second path, I began walking down into my new life, a second chance, one where I would have to find myself all over again. Because after an event like this, you will never be the same person.

A few weeks ago, I made the 5-hour drive to New Orleans, Louisiana, for the 2024 NFDA International Convention & Expo. It was already a rocky start due to events leading up to the trip, but I was just happy to finally be on my way. As I was driving, I noticed a large body of water on the GPS that I was about to cross. When I looked at it closer, the words hit me like a ton of bricks, and this became my own personal sneak peek into God’s playbook-my full circle moment. I was crossing the Pearl River. My heart stopped and my lungs paused as I felt each passing bump along the bridge’s road. That’s when I realized something so important.

The last time that I had crossed this river, watching the lights pass one by one as I lay in the back seat, I thought it would be my last night. Now, as I cross this same river, I am driving to see people that I love, make memories that I’ll never forget, and achieve a dream that I’ve wanted since starting funeral service- presenting at the convention. I have purpose now within a profession that I am passionate about. That girl who stood in the middle of the road many years ago, accepting her death one minute and then being handed her life back the next, was able to place one foot in front of the other and get us here today.

I wanted to share this story with you to hopefully make you feel a little less alone if you are struggling. The truth is, life is tough. It can be traumatic and terrifying, overwhelming and suffocating. You can experience heartbreak, loss, grief, and everything in between. It's hard to be optimistic for our families when we can't even fake it to ourselves. There may be days when it feels like you are being thrown into your own Pearl River, but I hope that you will take these words with you and always remember them-Don’t Give Up. Keep Going. Put one foot in front of the other and keep walking forward. Even if your legs are shaking. Even if your feet feel blistered. Take the next step. And another. And another.

You have so much strength inside of you that sometimes you don’t even realize just how strong you are. Be kind to yourself. This profession can be difficult enough with the weight of the job, so please don't forget about you, because there are many people that love you, there are many memories that you have yet to make, and there are many dreams that are still waiting to come true. Don't let the bad guys win. One day you will look back and see that you bravely crossed over your Pearl River. When that day comes, I hope that you smile and realize that life has come full circle.

It did not defeat you.

You survived.

Serve passionately, my friends.

This article is just a generalized overview based on personal opinion and feeling. It is not meant to speak for all people. The views expressed in this blog are mine alone and do not represent the views of my employers or funeral homes associated with.